Wait, Is He For Real?
Of course I’m for real!!! I have tried every diet under the sun. I’ve done no-carbs, no-sugars, and no-trans-fats. Each time feeling like I’m entering a labyrinth with more and more twists and turns than ever before! It’s a game with ever-changing rules and to people like me with selective hearing and zero will-power, we tend to fair poorly when attempting a proper diet.
A lot of the positive change I’ve seen in other areas of my life got there because I adapted my strategy to fit myself. My life, my interests, my likes and dislikes, my timeline, etc.
Here are 3 Totally Reality TV Diets (But lets be for real, they all are!!). Enjoy!
1) The 39 Day Survivor Diet
For the next 39 days, you will be going on the ultimate adventure of a lifetime. The 39 Day Survivor Diet! That’s right! You’re going to eat like the kings and queens of Survivor legend! These beach spirits will be sticking around to give you strength along your arduous and near-impossible journey. All you need is a wooden bowl and a tin cup. You have enough rice and beans to last you 39 days. You are approved to snack on any nearby larvae or termite nests. At Day 15, you will be given access to mangos and coconuts. On Day 39 you will have a pig roast breakfast where you and two of your closest friends will eat an entire pig together. Congratulations! You are the sole Survivor!
2) Big Brother Slop
Some have compared Big Brother slop to bland baby poop being fermented in flavourless marshmallow fluff. Okay, maybe I’m the only one to use that expression. But the Big Brother food staple, Slop, has been around since the beginning as one of the earliest modes of the social experiment: Food. They created an entire food to be a punishment to test their mental fortitude and social responses. What other menu item not only tastes like nothingness and is laborious to eat but is ripe with the social nuances of fear, anxiety, paranoia, and betrayal. Yummmmmmmm I want some more please!!!
3) Fear Factor Buffet
What better way to lose weight than FEAR ITSELF!??? The dishes they serve in the Fear Factor warehouse, or wherever it is those wackos film, are Grade A Quality NO THANKS! Chicken bladders and buffalo testicles? If there’s anything to encourage me to eat small portions it’s filling my plate with goat semen and frog bones or whatever it is they’re serving up. Maybe it’s just a bunch of live Africanized bees in an M&M Minis tube. Gobble it up! That waste will look beach ready in no time. Don’t thank me. Thank Mother Nature for being so fricken disgusting.
What’s working for you? Frying up some roadkill to kickstart that gag reflex? Chomping on nothing but rice and bees and feeling like some kind of hero? How about a mile-high slop mountain!? What’s your poison? Muahahahahahahaha!